Posts from — May 2005

After a long holiday weekend, I’m back to work. We had the idea to see Star Wars 3 first thing Sunday morning to beat all the crowds. Lucky for us we got there early because the theater was jammed. Then some tool thought it would be OK to bring his two small children with him. They couldn’t have been more than 4 or 5 years old. Their constant chattering and whining annoyed the hell out of everyone.

He couldn’t care less about the other people trying to listen to critical parts of the movie while his brats were screaming. This was an important movie for a lot of us nerds so it was important to immerse ourselves into the movie. The distraction from these kids was intolerable and ruined the experience for me.

Here’s a guide you can follow for your next trip to the movies.

I’m not happy when I am forced to listen in on another person’s cell phone conversation. This morning, while I was pumping gas, some ignoramus was on his cell phone yapping loudly to another about the Piston’s game last night. He barked on about how much money he won on the game and where and when his buddies will be meeting to watch the next game. Then the obligatory “where are you at?” question came up from his blabee and I was forced to listen to a detailed description of his current location as well as that morning’s itinerary. I hope it rains on his BBQ plans tonight after he picks up steaks, milk, eggs and cereal at the grocery store on the way home from the cleaning he’s having done at the dentist at 3 pm. Hey, should he be talking on a cell phone anyway while pumping gas?

This rude behavior happens all the time to all of us. The moron cashier who thinks it is OK to yap on her cell phone while ringing up my order, the boob in line at the post office invading my earspace (and my personal bubble) and the idiot in the restaurant ignoring his eating companion while talking about some stupid business deal on his cell are really getting on my nerves.

The development of dampening fields to stifle cell phone use is an excellent start. These devices should be used in public places where the annoyance level of blabbermouths is high. Movie theaters, restaurants and churches would be a good start.

For now there is an option to fight back. Simply download a card from Coudal Partner’s Society for Handheld Hushing (SHHH) and give it to the loud talker that’s annoying you. Maybe they’ll get the message but probably not. People like that don’t really care what other’s think.

Next up, cell phone talking while driving.

Work on the house is continuing this week with Sears’ installing siding. We called around and they had the best deal. The only problem was the salesman spent 3 hours at our house educating us about siding, the installation and a thousand other boring details. I finally threw him out after agreeing to go with them. I wonder if that’s their plan; to bore customers so much they just say ’sign me up!’ to get rid of them. So far the work they’ve done is good and we’re extremely happy.

As a courtesy I told my neighbor we will be having workers around the house all week to install siding on the house. He asked “why would you put siding all over the nice brick?” “No just on the wood” I told him. Still puzzled, I added “so we don’t have to paint any longer.” He finally understood. This is why we affectionately call him “dumbass.”

Next week we’ll be working on the landscaping around the house and will probably get the guy who has been working with us already. We’ll use him for the heavier work and do the easier flower and small shrub planting ourselves.

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: “too many deer were being hit by cars” and he didn’t want them to cross there anymore. Ah, yes. This guy was from the shallow end of the gene pool.
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My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.” He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. OK and you have a degree in…?
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I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?”

To which I replied, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?”

He smiled knowingly and nodded, “That’s why we ask.”
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The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?!” Yes, sweetheart. You have no hope of finishing the human race…
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I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on. Perfect example of why some people should not be allowed to have children.
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When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had! been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

“Hey,” I announced to the technician, “It’s open!”

To which he replied, “I know - I already got that side.”

(via Jeff Marcel)

Kristen responds to yesterday’s entry:

One day I went to lunch with my IT friend Mike. Unbeknownst to me, we joined several of his IT friends in the cafeteria. My initial reaction was to grab my tray and run in the opposite direction as I faced a table full of dudes who got their haircuts from Stevie Wonder. However, knowing I hadn’t done any charity work since Christmas I smiled and joined their Star Wars obsession and their cult-like belief in Bill Gates. I truly was reaching down into my depths of geekdom to add to their conversation.

And then it started, the IT jokes started flying. “Did you hear the one about the 178sonybluetoothblackberrysniffer?” What! They all started laughing and speaking this funny language that only an alien could understand. I sat there wondering the last time any of them got laid.

Then Mike invited me to his IT party on Friday. I politely told him I needed to check with my husband and will get back to him. Unfortunately Mike, my husband’s cousin’s sister’s brother’s friend might stop by on Friday and we need to be home - in case he swings by. Maybe next time.

My friend Kristen joined me and my IT friends for lunch the other day. She sat there happily listening to our fascinating discussion about the advantages of one obscure computer component over another. She tried to laugh at our inside IT jokes about “ID10T” errors and other stupid user horror stories. There was even a point Kristen let us know about her new 1.2 GHz computer with 128 MB of RAM!

We politely told her “how awesome” her home computer is while thinking “what a freakin’ dumbass.” I know my friends were wondering “why did he bring this loser down to sit with us.” Sorry guys, I’ll do a “home computer system check” before asking anyone to join us in the future.

But Kristen can be a lot of fun so I did ask her to the IT party I’m having on Friday. In case you missed it, here is a picture of last week’s party. I warned Kristen these parties can get pretty wild but are a good time nonetheless.

So the landscapers came today and removed all of the shrubs in the front of the house. The plan is to clean up all the overgrown crap and replant everything from scratch. They also installed a new red maple tree out by the street to help bring back some vegetation to the neighborhood. You’ll recall late last fall the city cut down all the ash trees in the township.

Next up is the huge task of removing the lava rocks in the beds where the shrubs were removed. The landscaper is very happy to do this for us. All we have to do is pay him a ton of money and the job will be done. “The Grief Factor” may apply in this case and we’ll end up letting him do it. Quite often we go to great lengths to avoid grief in many situations. Sometimes it’s expensive but in our mind, usually worth the cost.

In Phase Two we’ll replant new shrubs along the front of the house. Our man will be right there giving us suggestions and happily taking our money. This job we may do ourselves. How hard can planting several small trees and bushes be? I guess we’ll find out. Perhaps I can let the guy design something for the front with suggestions on what we should plant. Afterward, we’ll say “sorry we ran out of money” and decline his services. Then with his expert suggestions, we’ll just go on our own and finish the job.

And the grief will be over.