Posts from — February 2006

Bibliomancy is a form of divination where one seeks to know the future by randomly selecting a passage from a book. The procedure is to pick any book, lay this book on its spine and allow it to fall open to a random page. Then with your eyes closed you pick a passage with your finger. This random passage will give you divine guidance.

I thought I would try this out. The book I found was “Winning” by Jack Welch loaned to me by a co-worker. I chose the second paragraph on page 133:

What you’ve heard about resistance to change is also true. People hate it when their bosses announce a “transformation initiative.” They run back to their cubicles and frantically start e-mailing one another with reasons it’s going to ruin everything.

The passage I selected is very appropriate with regard to the departmental changes going on around here lately. I’m not sure if the words will give me guidance about the future but it was fun nonetheless.

A friend of mine rarely, if ever gets angry. He admits getting annoyed at people once in a while, but never angry with them. I greatly admire my friend’s attitude and I wish I could practice it myself. He has a relaxed style and demeanor that makes him a great person.

With me, I get angry all the time. The idiot who cuts me off on the road, the moron neighbor who lets their dog crap on our lawn or the buffoon in front of me at the salad bar, carefully deciding (and deciding) which items to put on her plate easily set me off.

My friend is right though. There is nothing I can do about these people so why bother getting angry. Why should I work myself up and get upset about something so trivial? Stay relaxed and focus my energy on more positive thoughts and forget about the losers who I encounter, my friend tells me. It’s a great philosophy and the determination and self-disipline he exhibits should be a model for all of us.

But I’m not that way. I take great pleasure of reminding my moron neighbor that his dog is crapping on our lawn. The other day he says “Good Morning, Mike. It’s a beautiful day outside today, isn’t it? To which I replied, “Hey moron, your f-cking dog is crappy on my lawn again.” The astonished look on his face gave me a great sense of joy.

How about that lady at the salad bar? I remind her that this isn’t rocket science and that taking so much time to make a decision is ridiculous. Just plop it on the plate and get moving I tell her. I view this as a courtesy and by pointing out her shortcomings she can improve behavior the next time. Without me screaming at the poor woman, she wouldn’t never realize what a pain she was being.

So the next time another driver cuts me off on the road, and I scream and yell at them you’ll know it’s my way of making myself feel better. Bottling up these primal emotions is not good for me. My therapist and I have discussed this many times. Because of his help, I’m the well-rounded and emotionally balanced person I am today.

At any given time in the Marketing department, we have several interns working here. Some of them are total losers that view their placement as a chance to goof around and evade work. But most interns (especially Ralf) come in ready to work and learn and they genuinely enjoy their experience. I can see how useful an intern can be so I decided to request one for myself. Here’s what I would have them do:

- Arrive 30 minutes before me, turn on my computer and tidy up my desk if needed. Have my coffee waiting at my desk each morning along with the morning’s paper.
- After I get settled in, the intern can start their morning errands like picking up my dry cleaning, washing my car and taking my grandmother to her doctor appointments.
- When the intern returns I’ll give him the list of requests for assistance I received while he was gone. While he’s out doing that, it will give me plenty of time to read all my favorite blogs and make some phone calls.
- Lunchtime will go smoothly with an intern. They can have the car pulled around to the front door so I can get to the restaurant quickly. We won’t have to worry about parking since the intern can just stay in the warm car and eat their bag lunch while I’m inside entertaining “clients.”
- The afternoons will be as fun as the mornings for my intern. I would keep them so busy the time would fly by. Sorting M&M’s by color, scraping salt off my pretzels and keeping people away from my desk while I “rest my eyes” for 30 minutes would be some of the things my intern would learn while assigned to me.
- The day wouldn’t always be over for my intern when everyone leaves. In the evening, I would give them the opportunity to drive me and my friends around to bars and learn how to be a designated driver. Parking wouldn’t be a problem for us again since they could stay in the car and listen to the radio.

I’ve put my request into HR for my intern. I’ll let you know how it goes.

To get everyone caught up, here is a summary of the television shows I watch each week:

J.D. found someone to be his perfect love match while Miles and Nim try to escape the impending tsunami. Starbuck and some other pilot finally tracked down and destroyed Scar and Lee just wanted everyone to get along. Later in one of the casino hotel rooms, Danny found a man in a tub full of ice. Apparently someone drugged the guy and stole his kidney. They later realized it was a scam to get money. Janice wasn’t too bothered by it since Marco left some bag full of drugs on the seat where the custom agents could find it. I’m sure someone is going to get into trouble for that one. But not as much trouble as that one roommate who the others suspected was gay. It turned out his big secret wasn’t that he is gay but that he’s a Republican. The Ori were wiping out planets again but Mitchell and the others took care of them as usual. The new drones they found in that hidden underground city were a big help. Whew. It’s been a busy week.

I am happiest when I follow my usual routine. Here’s a rundown of a typical weekday for me:

5:00 - wake, go to gym for my rollerblade on the treadmill exercises
6:00 - watch news, coffee, breakfast, get ready for work
9:30 - arrive at work, answer email, check stocks, read paper, have more coffee
10:45 - “open for business” and ready to help users with their questions and issues
11:00 - scan the cafeteria menus to start deciding what I’ll be eating that day
11:20 - make final lunch menu decision
11:30 - lunch
1:30 - find newspaper or magazine and visit “library”
2:15 - check email again, update webpage and surf internet
3:00 - help another person if needed (and if they can find me)
4:00 - start cleaning up for the day
4:15 - go home

Looking for love in all the wrong places:

The gas station at Featherstone and Opdyke.

Denewitt’s Funeral Home.

A Cher concert.

Police station line-up room.

The Marketing Department.

Aisle 5 at Kroger.