Posts from — March 2006

To keep my repertoire of stories fresh, I bought this one from Bosco a while back. It was a story I liked so much, I asked if I could make it my own. It was a bargain.

The Lettuce Story
I was working in the produce department of the grocery store stocking the bananas one day. A customer approached me and said “I would like to buy a half a head of lettuce.” I told the man we only sell full heads and that I was sorry I couldn’t help him. He reminded me of the sign we had in the window that advertised “we will bend over backwards to keep the customer happy.” So I told him no problem, took the lettuce and went to the backroom to cut and rewrap it. My manager was back there and I told him “some idiot wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.” Just as I finished saying that, I realized the customer had followed me to the backroom and heard what I said. Quickly I added, “and this gentleman would like to buy the other half.” The customer left happy.

Later that day, the manager approached me and said “Mike, I really liked the way you handled that customer earlier. It showed me you can think on your feet. We’re looking for a manager to work in our new store in Canada, are you interested?” “Canada!” I yelled. “There’s nothing but whores and hockey players in Canada.” Disturbed, the manager said, “wait a minute, my wife is from Canada.” I replied “Really? What position does she play?”

After eight years, I decided to retire the messenger bag I use for work. It was getting old and ratty and I wanted a change. I thought about getting a backpack to schlep my stuff but I thought it may be too casual. I have a nice leather briefcase but that would look too professional for me. Then I remembered the case I got with my laptop computer.

It has a bunch of pockets to keep my smaller items and larger compartments for papers, magazines and whatever else. It’s a black canvas style that won’t clash with any of my outfits. Perfect for my needs.

Here’s what I’ll carry in my new bag each day to work:
Blackberry
Cellphone
Digital Camera - I never go anywhere without it
Work papers
CD’s - files or programs or movies
Memory Stick - with up-to-date resume
Loose Change
Wallet
Lipstick - don’t ask
My notes for the latest “For Dummies” book I’m writing
Hai Karate aftershave - just in case
iPod

I intercepted this note from Ralf, our former intern from Germany. Apparently he is required to write a report about his experience with us.

Dieter,
I hope this letter finds you well. My internship is finally over and it is not a moment too soon. I had a difficult time adjusting to the office at first but I gradually got into the routine. I was involved with fascinating projects and I worked with a lot of cool cars. But my experience had some downfalls. I sat in an area with five other people that were a constant nuisance. If they are a representation of the American workforce, the U.S. is in deep trouble.

Using idiotic nicknames given to each other for reasons I never understood, here is a list of these people:

Dragon Lady: my immediate supervisor, talked on the phone all day long. But I never figured out who she was talking to.
Spider: the department’s finance guy. He never had lunch money and didn’t know the word “yes.” Every budget request was met with a stern “NO!” I learned not to bother him when he was reading The Journal.
T-Bone: another student working in our area. I observed him working hard all day the entire time I was there and I admired his dedication. It wasn’t until the end of my rotation that I realized he was burning DVD movies, downloading tv shows and playing games the entire time I sat next to him.
Bosco: he holds himself in high regard but I couldn’t see the value of his work. He would also talk on the phone frequently and usually the conversations involved him working on some project with his cottage or house.
Cruiser: our IT guy; the smartest and best-looking person in our little group. He was overwhelmed with work but mostly with people’s home computers. When he wasn’t repairing some executive’s daughter’s laptop, he was busy surfing the internet or updating his extremely entertaining weblog. I suspect T-Bone learned a great deal from him as they are both masters at looking busy.

My recommendation for improvement to this department would be to separate these five people. They work very well as a team in coming up with new and creative ways of avoiding work. I applaud their expertise of creating the illusion of being the most respected and dedicated employees in the entire organization. But nothing ever got done.

I look forward to seeing you in Dusseldorf next week,

Regards, Ralf.