Category — Humor

Sheesh, I didn’t need the bottle cap to tell me that.

I’ve started to write letters of complaint to companies that do things to annoy me. I wrote to BBC America to protest the huge banner that blocks the bottom of the screen during the entire broadcast of my favorite show.
The general manager at dealership where I took my car for repair last week got a stern letter from me about the bad service I received from their cashier.
And everyone remembers my famous letter to the Heinz ketchup folks last year.
I know this campaign of mine may not always produce results but it makes me feel better. If you want to start kvetching, there are several web sites that give advice about how to write an effective complaint letter.

Mark has some clever ways to deal with telemarketers. He comes up with funny lines to have fun when they call trying to sell things to him.
One bit involves the telemarketer calling and asking for his wife. Mark responds by asking “Are you the son of a bitch who is sleeping with my wife? Don’t ever call here again!” Click.
Another favorite is when they again ask to speak to his wife, he replies in a depressed tone “She’s not here right now and I don’t think she’s ever coming back.” Speechless, the telemarketer hangs up and never calls again.

Even at work I often hear him talking loudly into the phone acting like there’s a problem with the connection. “Hello? I can’t hear you. Hello?” Then he hangs up. Then we know its another call from a salesperson he’s trying to avoid. It’s very funny.

His tactics work well and the people rarely call back to annoy him.

Everyone knows a person who thinks they know everything. For every story you have, these people come up with a better one. When you are in a conversation, it’s as though they are just waiting for their turn talk. They are not at all interested in what you have to say. They’re inconsiderate slobs who I avoid whenever I can.

So it’s fun at work when our Story Topper sits down with us at lunch. Usually we all get up and leave but once in a while it’s fun to play around with him. We’ll make up outrageous (and fake) stories to see what he comes up with. Everyone at the table knows the gag except the clueless moron who just talks endlessly about nothing. And while he’s blathering on, he continues to eat and spit food all over the table. Like I said, a total slob.

On that note, I have a habit of blanking out if the person talking to me is boring. They’ll be rattling on and I go to a better place in my head. So next time you see me with a polite but empty look, STOP TALKING because you’re boring me.

Coming soon: “The Adventures of Ryan - The Intern.”

Since I’m getting back into the swing of things with my blog, I thought I would review my past comments regarding my rules of etiquette.

In the elevator:

• When the elevator arrives, QUICKLY move inside. Don’t piddle around while I’m trying to be a gentleman by letting you go first. Several times people have taken their time and we miss the car.
• After you enter, make your floor selection and the MOVE OUT OF THE WAY. Other people need to access the panel so don’t stand in front of it.
• If the elevator is full, wait for the next one.
• Never, never, never take the elevator only one (or two) floors. If there is an escalator available, USE IT.

In line wherever:

• Keep your distance and don’t breath down my neck.
• If you’re in front of me, pay attention and maintain proper spacing to the person in front of you.
• When you get to the front, QUICKLY do what you have to do and get the hell out of my way. Don’t wait to decide what you are going to order until you get up to the counter. Use the time waiting in line to figure out what you are going to do.

Driving:

• Don’t tailgate.
• Use your turn signals.
• Don’t tailgate.
• Use your turn signals.
• Get out of my way.

Difference between cats and dogs?
Dogs have masters, cats have staff.

Guest entry from Kristen:
So last night I go to the parent/teacher conference for my oldest daughter Myla. Considering Myla is in the second grade, I am not expecting anything too major to transpire. For instance, I am not worried that Myla is smoking cigarettes in the girls bathroom or writing graffiti in the hallway during study hall. What I am concerned about is Myla’s cursive handwriting techniques and next year’s 3rd grade MEAP test.
I take great pride in both of my daughters (Meg is 4) and am confident this conference will be smooth sailing. I was wrong. Now you know when a teacher starts off by saying: “I am not worried with Myla’s academics at all”, there is some negative feedback to come. Okay, so if your not worried about Myla’s academic - WHAT ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT??? And after 15 minutes of small talk we digress into Myla’s snotty attitude. WHAT! NOT MY MYLA…She must be crazy. She gave me a couple examples of Myla’s poor attitude and lack of patience. Shedoesnothavealackofpatience…shehasalotofpatience.
Trust me, I am not one of those mothers. I can’t stand those types of mothers, the ones who think their kid can do no wrong and there must be something wrong with the teacher, types of mothers. And trust me, I encounter those crazy women all of the time. So I tell Myla’s teacher, I can relate with her opinion of Myla’s attitude as I too have encountered Myla’s SNOTTINESS. I furthered my response by stating Myla’s Father and I will definitely address this issue and do everything in our power to reverse this negative behavior. We will start with positive reinforcement and encourage baby steps toward change. GOD AM I GOOD…and the teacher thought I was good as well.

I had a long talk with Myla that evening and we both came to the agreement that she needs an attitude adjustment and we are both going to work handling situations more positively.

To keep my repertoire of stories fresh, I bought this one from Bosco a while back. It was a story I liked so much, I asked if I could make it my own. It was a bargain.

The Lettuce Story
I was working in the produce department of the grocery store stocking the bananas one day. A customer approached me and said “I would like to buy a half a head of lettuce.” I told the man we only sell full heads and that I was sorry I couldn’t help him. He reminded me of the sign we had in the window that advertised “we will bend over backwards to keep the customer happy.” So I told him no problem, took the lettuce and went to the backroom to cut and rewrap it. My manager was back there and I told him “some idiot wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.” Just as I finished saying that, I realized the customer had followed me to the backroom and heard what I said. Quickly I added, “and this gentleman would like to buy the other half.” The customer left happy.

Later that day, the manager approached me and said “Mike, I really liked the way you handled that customer earlier. It showed me you can think on your feet. We’re looking for a manager to work in our new store in Canada, are you interested?” “Canada!” I yelled. “There’s nothing but whores and hockey players in Canada.” Disturbed, the manager said, “wait a minute, my wife is from Canada.” I replied “Really? What position does she play?”

After eight years, I decided to retire the messenger bag I use for work. It was getting old and ratty and I wanted a change. I thought about getting a backpack to schlep my stuff but I thought it may be too casual. I have a nice leather briefcase but that would look too professional for me. Then I remembered the case I got with my laptop computer.

It has a bunch of pockets to keep my smaller items and larger compartments for papers, magazines and whatever else. It’s a black canvas style that won’t clash with any of my outfits. Perfect for my needs.

Here’s what I’ll carry in my new bag each day to work:
Blackberry
Cellphone
Digital Camera - I never go anywhere without it
Work papers
CD’s - files or programs or movies
Memory Stick - with up-to-date resume
Loose Change
Wallet
Lipstick - don’t ask
My notes for the latest “For Dummies” book I’m writing
Hai Karate aftershave - just in case
iPod

I intercepted this note from Ralf, our former intern from Germany. Apparently he is required to write a report about his experience with us.

Dieter,
I hope this letter finds you well. My internship is finally over and it is not a moment too soon. I had a difficult time adjusting to the office at first but I gradually got into the routine. I was involved with fascinating projects and I worked with a lot of cool cars. But my experience had some downfalls. I sat in an area with five other people that were a constant nuisance. If they are a representation of the American workforce, the U.S. is in deep trouble.

Using idiotic nicknames given to each other for reasons I never understood, here is a list of these people:

Dragon Lady: my immediate supervisor, talked on the phone all day long. But I never figured out who she was talking to.
Spider: the department’s finance guy. He never had lunch money and didn’t know the word “yes.” Every budget request was met with a stern “NO!” I learned not to bother him when he was reading The Journal.
T-Bone: another student working in our area. I observed him working hard all day the entire time I was there and I admired his dedication. It wasn’t until the end of my rotation that I realized he was burning DVD movies, downloading tv shows and playing games the entire time I sat next to him.
Bosco: he holds himself in high regard but I couldn’t see the value of his work. He would also talk on the phone frequently and usually the conversations involved him working on some project with his cottage or house.
Cruiser: our IT guy; the smartest and best-looking person in our little group. He was overwhelmed with work but mostly with people’s home computers. When he wasn’t repairing some executive’s daughter’s laptop, he was busy surfing the internet or updating his extremely entertaining weblog. I suspect T-Bone learned a great deal from him as they are both masters at looking busy.

My recommendation for improvement to this department would be to separate these five people. They work very well as a team in coming up with new and creative ways of avoiding work. I applaud their expertise of creating the illusion of being the most respected and dedicated employees in the entire organization. But nothing ever got done.

I look forward to seeing you in Dusseldorf next week,

Regards, Ralf.