Category — Humor

At any given time in the Marketing department, we have several interns working here. Some of them are total losers that view their placement as a chance to goof around and evade work. But most interns (especially Ralf) come in ready to work and learn and they genuinely enjoy their experience. I can see how useful an intern can be so I decided to request one for myself. Here’s what I would have them do:

- Arrive 30 minutes before me, turn on my computer and tidy up my desk if needed. Have my coffee waiting at my desk each morning along with the morning’s paper.
- After I get settled in, the intern can start their morning errands like picking up my dry cleaning, washing my car and taking my grandmother to her doctor appointments.
- When the intern returns I’ll give him the list of requests for assistance I received while he was gone. While he’s out doing that, it will give me plenty of time to read all my favorite blogs and make some phone calls.
- Lunchtime will go smoothly with an intern. They can have the car pulled around to the front door so I can get to the restaurant quickly. We won’t have to worry about parking since the intern can just stay in the warm car and eat their bag lunch while I’m inside entertaining “clients.”
- The afternoons will be as fun as the mornings for my intern. I would keep them so busy the time would fly by. Sorting M&M’s by color, scraping salt off my pretzels and keeping people away from my desk while I “rest my eyes” for 30 minutes would be some of the things my intern would learn while assigned to me.
- The day wouldn’t always be over for my intern when everyone leaves. In the evening, I would give them the opportunity to drive me and my friends around to bars and learn how to be a designated driver. Parking wouldn’t be a problem for us again since they could stay in the car and listen to the radio.

I’ve put my request into HR for my intern. I’ll let you know how it goes.

I am happiest when I follow my usual routine. Here’s a rundown of a typical weekday for me:

5:00 - wake, go to gym for my rollerblade on the treadmill exercises
6:00 - watch news, coffee, breakfast, get ready for work
9:30 - arrive at work, answer email, check stocks, read paper, have more coffee
10:45 - “open for business” and ready to help users with their questions and issues
11:00 - scan the cafeteria menus to start deciding what I’ll be eating that day
11:20 - make final lunch menu decision
11:30 - lunch
1:30 - find newspaper or magazine and visit “library”
2:15 - check email again, update webpage and surf internet
3:00 - help another person if needed (and if they can find me)
4:00 - start cleaning up for the day
4:15 - go home

Looking for love in all the wrong places:

The gas station at Featherstone and Opdyke.

Denewitt’s Funeral Home.

A Cher concert.

Police station line-up room.

The Marketing Department.

Aisle 5 at Kroger.

The weather for January has been outstanding. With very little snow and higher than average temperatures, it’s been a great winter so far. It doesn’t bother me that its gloomy and rainy, as long as there’s no snow on the roads. I know a lot of people are missing out on their snow sports but it sure has been nice not having to shovel the driveway, scrape the ice off my windshield and getting stuck in traffic backups.

Last weekend it was so nice I decided to do some Geocaching. I checked for a nearby cache and set out to enjoy hiking in the woods on a beautiful day. I got to the park early, switched on my handheld GPS unit and found the battery was almost drained. Crap. Then I realized my car has a built-in NAV unit, maybe I could use it to find the hidden geocache in the woods.

At first the trail was easy to follow in the car but farther into the woods, it got narrower and muddy. But I trudged on. I was finally within a few yards of my goal and the car got stuck. Fortunately I had my cell phone and was able to call a tow truck. You should have heard the guy when I explained my Chrysler 300c was stuck in the mud in the middle of the woods. He thought I was an idiot. I couldn’t understand why but I remained calm and polite with him despite his joking about my lack of judgement.

Eventually he got the car out and I washed it up good as new. The scratches from the trees along the trail will hopefully rub out. I guess I’ll just stick to the handheld unit from now on.

Dear Heinz Ketchup,
First of all I want to tell you how much I enjoy your ketchup. The new EZ Squeeze bottle with the stay clean cap and control valve always gives me total control where my ketchup goes. After pouring your ketchup on a hamburger or hot dog I know I’m always in for some eating fun.

One question; does it ever bother you when someone uses your product for things other than eating? For instance, many times I play a game with my wife where I pretend to be shot with a gun. I use your ketchup in place of blood because it looks so real. It scares the daylights out of her each time I do the gag.

How about when I take a ketchup packet and place it under the toilet seat? The “victim” sits down and gets squirted all over their leg with ketchup. That’s pretty funny, isn’t it?

If you prefer that I not play pranks on other people using your ketchup, let me know. I’ll stop doing it immediately.

Sincerely,

Mike

The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year’s {2005} winner:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

Mark - I will be arriving late next week Monday and Tuesday. Plan on having my coffee ready later so it’s not cold when I get in. Also I don’t mind you reading the paper but please do it after I’ve had a chance to look at it. Let’s not have another “wrinkled pages incident” like last time.

Nick - it’s nice you are trying to keep busy and have many people coming to your desk for questions but please try and keep the noise level down. You know how important my morning naps are to me and when I’m suddenly jarred from my sleep by some frantic visitor of yours, it makes me cranky.

Madeline - the blood stain is almost gone from the carpet in my office. I think one more good scrubbing should do the trick. And I promise to replace the broom handle I borrowed from your cleaning closet by tomorrow.

Michael - I’d like some pretzels for my afternoon break tomorrow. Please remember to scrape off all the salt this time. I know it’s tedious getting it all off but maybe you could multitask and burn the DVD’s too. Also I think it’s going to rain, so don’t bother getting the car washed tomorrow. I’d still appreciate you picking up a little on the inside and be sure to check under the seats. I think I lost a couple of cans under there the other night.

Ingrid - I’ve been getting complaints about your phone etiquette again. You must remember to answer using my full title, first and last name. Perhaps during your lunch hour, you can practice answering in front of the bathroom mirror. It’s very important we give a good impression to our customers.

All - if you get any calls about the “Shoop” incident, please refer them to the family lawyer.

In a bold move, Detroit automakers announced yesterday they will no longer be adding turn signals to their vehicles. “With the current economic climate, we are looking at ways to cut costs all across the board.” said Ekim Nietsdlef, a designer for a major automotive company. Ekim continued, “Anyone driving on the road today is aware that only a handful of drivers actually use their turn signals. Since the devices are rarely used, it makes sense to stop placing them in our cars.” Sources close to the automakers say this decision will save the companies millions of dollars per year.

Future money saving plans for automakers may have seat belts as optional equipment for the people that actually use them. People that don’t use their seat belts will no longer be forced to purchase an accessory which is never used. Horns and brake lights may be next on the chopping block. “When was the last time your horn actually prevented another driver from cutting you off?” said Nietdslef.

In related news, the Michigan Highway office said last Monday it will stop placing speed limit signs on the road. Studies have repeatedly shown the the total disregard for speed limits. In construction zones for instance, the signs have little effect on the actual speed of the vehicles. Collateral savings to this new policy will be the elimination of the 4 highway workers (3 to watch, one to actually do the work) needed to install the signs.

This web page does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my friends or my cat; pages are subject to change without notice; pages are slightly enlarged to show detail; any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead is unintentional and purely coincidental; hand wash only; no substitutions allowed; tumble dry on low heat; your mileage may vary; professional driver on closed course; offer void where prohibited, taxed or otherwise restricted; no shoes, no shirt, no service; quantities are limited; limit one per person please; action figures sold separately; if rash, redness or irritation develops, discontinue use; allow four to six weeks for delivery; do not use if safety seal is broken; call before you dig; safety goggles may be required during use; keep away from open flames, use only with proper ventilation; do not place near magnetic source; text used on this site is made from 100% recycled electrons.

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: “too many deer were being hit by cars” and he didn’t want them to cross there anymore. Ah, yes. This guy was from the shallow end of the gene pool.
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My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.” He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. OK and you have a degree in…?
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I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?”

To which I replied, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?”

He smiled knowingly and nodded, “That’s why we ask.”
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The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?!” Yes, sweetheart. You have no hope of finishing the human race…
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I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on. Perfect example of why some people should not be allowed to have children.
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When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had! been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

“Hey,” I announced to the technician, “It’s open!”

To which he replied, “I know - I already got that side.”

(via Jeff Marcel)