Category — Humor

Scientists yesterday reported that a new standard of measurement will be implemented. Relating to body parts, the Huckabyte will be used to measure very small objects. It will replace units like the centimeter or inch with smaller linear measurements to get more accurate readings.

“We’re very excited about the new Huckabyte.” said Professor Ekim Nietsdlef of the FSB Polytechnic Institute. “The Hb will be used in many math and science applications to save hours of tedious calculations. To convert; one Huckabyte is equal to 2.2 inches.”

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.

Apparently I’m not the only one that finds the misuse of “your” amusing.

Go to Busted Tees for more. They have a great selection of funny stuff.

10. Now that Half Life 2 is out, I need to refocus my priorities.
9. You have been unsubscribed from my dating list. Please click this link to confirm.
8. I need a lover who understands that 20 hours a day on the Internet is normal.
7. I don’t think we should date any more, but we can still be on each other’s buddy lists.
6. I’d like a true beauty so I don’t have to spend so much time photoshopping your ugly face out of our photos.
5. It’s like in X-Men number 135, where Cyclops and Jean Grey (as The Phoenix)…
4. Let’s face it. You love Intel, and I’m an AMD man. It’s not going to work out.
3. What do you mean your EULA says that once I’ve removed the shrink wrap I can’t return it?
2. After you e-mailed me your full-body shot, I realized I was looking for someone more feminine
1. So long and thanks for all the fish.

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial “9″ to get an outside line.
8. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
9. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

Dear Rest of the World,
As you might have heard, there have been troubles here at home. 49% of us are really sorry. Do you think it would be alright if I crash at your place for about 4 years? I can pay rent.
Love,
Michael

For more apologies, visit SorryEverybody.com (thanks Steve)

Back in April, The Washington Post published its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. And the winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

…continue for the 2003 winners
[Read more →]

You may have heard I got a new car a few weeks ago. With some creative financing, an excellent value for a trade-in and a night job, I was able to afford a Chrysler 300C. It’s loaded with fantastic features including automatic headlights, wipers and mirrors. The best part is the V8 Hemi engine.

But its the modifications I made to the car after I got it home that I like to brag about. With hard work, I managed to make this already awesome car into something I will love for years to come.

Here’s a rundown of the added options:

- Adapted the windshield with the same technology as the Joo-Janta 500 Super-Chromatic Peril-Sensitive Sunglasses, they become opaque when the driver gets scared.
- installed a BFG9000 behind the headlights. For when the horn isn’t enough to get someone out of the way.
- obtained a cloaking device provided by the Romulan government under a special amendment to the Treaty of Algeron.
- cobbled together an FSQ Primary Force Field and Deflector Control System to keep idiots from scratching the paint.
- purchased a neurogenic dampening field to disable the morons that don’t use their blinker or generally piss me off. I hear repairs are costly to counteract the field’s effects.
- tailgater’s will be in for a suprise when I activate the oil slick and tire puncturing system behind the license plate. Somehow I don’t think they’ll be able to keep up with me after that.

Congratulations to SpaceShipOne. They won the X Prize.

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is
worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went
unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote “The Hokey Pokey”,
died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was
getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble
started!