From Andy Rooney:

“Vegetarian - that’s an old Indian word meaning ‘lousy hunter.’”

Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I’ll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don’t think we should give free room and board to criminals.
I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity.
And if they don’t want to run, they can rest in the chair that’s hooked up to the generator.

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, “Married!” and walking away. Fabric softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it’s hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.